We’ve all been there, hoping and wishing for something that we know will make us happy. For some it is money, for others it is a relationship, and, in some cases, it is to be thin. When you hang your happiness on “something” you never have to be happy or face why you are not happy because you have not reached/accomplished said “something”. To make it a little plainer… Money, relationships, your weight or any of “something” is not the key to your happiness. That lies within you. If you are unhappy and clinging to the thought of something else miraculously making all the stars align for you… You will be even more devastated when you finally reach this point because now you are here, and you are still miserable. How could that be?!? How did you work, claw and climb your way to your ultimate destination, to be unsatisfied?!? Because you made the mistake in believing that something or someone held the key to your happiness. You gave that person/idea/thought a tremendous amount of power over yourself.

Now that you are here it is time to look at what is making you unhappy. At this point… it’s a tough thing. You feel lost. Mad. Maybe sad. Maybe defeated. Maybe even some guilt is sinking it’s way in. Is any of this ringing a bell for you? It’s time to figure this out. Get you a journal and start working through your problems and emotions. For some people the real problem may be easier to figure out but for others it may take a bit of time, soul searching, even an epiphany or two before you figure out what has really been hurting you for so long. Keep at it until you figure it out. It may help you work through other small things in the process. A journal may not be your only tool. You may have to see a therapist, talk to friends or family or even stand on your head! For everyone the path is different. But only you can ultimately do the soul searching required to mend this break down.

I will tell you what issue I had that made me come to this realization. On a side note, it’s funny how you can be doing such mundane things when this epiphany hits you. Like, who knew you would be flushing the toilet, lost in your thoughts and come to a realization of you being unhappy, what the signs of said unhappiness are/have been and you are suddenly (subconsciously) shaking yourself that you have to get a hold on this shit! In that moment you realize you need to address this and until you do that nothing will allow you to move forward. So here I am collaborating my thoughts in an attempt to move forward.

So, if you know me, you know I had Weight Loss Surgery in December 2017. I was skinny when I was a kid, into a portion of my teens. Then I put on some weight… and I lost some weight… and then my late teens into my early 20’s I just steadily climbed in size. At my heaviest I weighed in a 317lbs. And then at 33 years old, I decided I had to do something for my health. I made an appointment for WLS consultation and less than two months later, I had Gastric Bypass surgery. I’ve spent such a large portion of my adult life chasing to be thin, that I knew that is where my happiness hinged! Fast forward about 13 months and 140+lbs thinner later… Being skinnier was not the key to my happiness. It felt good for people to talk about how good I looked, but it was a very awkward compliment for me to receive. I am never sure what to do with it or what to say. I thought I was beautiful before. I don’t think I am more beautiful now, but health benefits far surpass anything superficial you could hope you.

In dropping that amount of weight… you lose a dress size or two… or 10 lol. So, I felt like I was always shopping. And I was!  ALWAYS!  SHOPPING! It was very easy to chalk it up to the fact I needed the clothes. And for the most part that was true. It is a problem when your jeans are hanging off you. Or your dress is so blousy, the neckline hangs to your bellybutton when you sit, lol. But pretty soon you get caught up on having enough clothes. And you don’t realize that you are shopping, because it brings you happiness. New things are fun, exciting, they make you happy! And you have so desperately been searching for that, that you get lost in your excuse and do not realize you are still feeding your problem. So yes, you have dropped numerous dress sizes and need new jeans. Do you need to spend 3-6 days per week shopping for new clothes? Probably not. It’s a problem! That is a time when you need to realize that you are desperately searching for happiness. And even though the new clothes (or whatever your vice is) gives you that momentarily… it is just that! Momentary happiness. Suddenly the happiness you were experiencing with the inanimate objects does not last as long as it once did. In fact, you notice that the length of time that the “happy” feeling you had with ALL THE THINGS doesn’t last until you make it home!

Now that you have found this problem… what do you do with it? Sweep it under the rug and keep shopping?!? HAHA! Good try, but you will either go broke or crazy. Because eventually you won’t be happy once you are walking away from the register. Instead figure out what is the root of the problem here.

I read this quote last night, that I have seen many times before. But it struck a chord with me, differently this time. I have been toying around with the idea of writing about this for some time, but I do not think I have been fully committed. Actually, the truth is, who wants to be that vulnerable. It is easy to talk about the good, but what about the bad and the ugly? That part is hard. People will judge you. People will come to their own conclusions at this time, not being in your shoes at that time. People judge me anyway. So, if I can tell someone my story and it helps one person, that is great. If not, here is some ammo for the other 100 people, lol.

I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for quite some time. More than 2 years in the making honestly. I wrote one in 2021 and decided not to post it. I am once again on a quest to document this journey. I told our story to a very sweet vendor at the Farmer’s Market. She urged me to tell my story to her daughter-in-law the following month at the Farmer’s Market. When I finished, she told me it gave her goosebumps. After hearing that, I knew I had to sit down and write this.

2020 was a crazy year for everyone. But it was the year that Jody and I grew together tremendously. It was still a hard, crazy year. But it was also great and full of growth. We truly started “planning for the future”. We took a hard look at what retirement will look like and what we want it to look like (anyone have room for a stay-at-home dog mom, lol… just kidding… unless someone does). In the mix of all of this, we looked at our debt. Wow! Ouch! Rude! We realized our debt topped over $XXX,XXX. This was house, car, truck, tractor, credit cards and all the other stuff and things. This was the first time we looked hard at this. About 6 months prior, I had an idea, but it took this additional time to get the courage to lay it all out and look at it. That was probably a good thing though, because what I did in those 6 months leading up to “THE LOOK”, I think groomed me for tackling our debt and growing into the person I am trying to be. When you hit rock bottom, even if it is your own idea of rock bottom, you have two choices. #1, stop digging, plan and climb. Or #2, realize this is your destiny and stay there. I chose #1. That did not mean there were not slips, and bad steps. It just meant we adjusted and kept climbing. My first step in the process was challenging Jody and myself to a “spending cleanse” for the month of August 2019. We decided to not spend money on anything that was not needed. We could go grocery shopping while being mindful of what you are purchasing, paying bills, etc. That helped to break the habit of just going shopping for fun.

I was fortunate enough to take Financial Peace University a few years back. I used his debt snowball method to start tackling our debt. We started with the smallest numbers and climbed what felt like Mount Everest. I did not look at everything at this point. I looked at the one small goal in front of me and worked to smash it! About a quarter of the way through the year, I decided I needed to really push. My little side hustle for several years was baking. I love to bake. Just about anyone who knows me knows I have always loved to make pies, cookies, breads, cakes or whatever else. My very dear Godmother (read that as 2^nd Mom) taught me to bake when I was a kid. She used to make wedding cakes. She used to tweak her wedding cake recipe and make my Mom a coconut cake that she was coconuts for (I know I know, bad pun!). But she taught me to make THE CAKE and how to make it for my Mom. And I have had so many requests through the years to make this for potlucks at work, baby showers, etc. Making this cake is what made me evolve into all the things I bake today, but I digress.

I created a Facebook page and started to advertise my treats! In my eyes, this meant I was opening myself up for judgement. But I decided to put it out there anyway. I set myself a goal for May and decided to do a special for Mother’s Day to help me reach it. I fell short of my goal. So, I gathered my thoughts and advertised for June, set my goal and once again the end of the month rolled around, and I fell short of my goal. What is a girl to do? I set a bigger goal for July. Why? Because I am crazy, lol. But I decided to plan some great things for my 4^th of July weekend options! That was a busy weekend. I had our Farmer’s Market on Saturday, but I had several people who ordered things and needed to pick up Thursday before going out of town. I also had people who wanted to pick up on Friday before they headed out.  I spent Wednesday night prepping and I baked ALL-DAY Thursday and again ALL-DAY Friday. Both days my husband and sister made deliveries or met people with their orders. I got up early Saturday to get my last-minute things in and out of the oven, packaged and ready for the Farmers Market. We had a GREAT day at that Farmers Market, but we had a handful of fresh yummy things left, so we did a Pop up that evening and sold out of the rest of the goodies. It was two of my sisters, Jody and I driving home. I grabbed my little envelope to count the total of the last 3 days. Because at this point, I had not had a long enough break to even begin to think I had sold how many of this or that. I just knew that with each item I had to get this made today and this made tomorrow to make each person’s order. I counted the contents of my envelope. I stopped and thought this cannot be right. So, I recounted. The third time I started to count this, Jody asked me what was wrong. I said how much do you think we made this weekend? He guessed. And then both my sisters guessed. The largest guess was less than half of what we did. Once I got to look at my list of orders, the total made sense. The number of orders I knocked out shocked me! If I had looked at all these walking into it, I probably would have been overwhelmed. But I focused on what was in front of me and kept going until I was done. That was a turning point for Jody. That was the first time I felt like he was all in with my little baking gig. He had always helped me when I asked. He always went to the Farmers market and helped me setup (except for the one time he had just had major ankle surgery, so we will give him a pass there, lol). But now he learned how to make cheesecake crust and will get a jump on that for me while I prep or make something else. He tries to get in and help anywhere he can. Which helps tremendously. Needless to say, I made my goal the month of July. In fact, I increased my goal twice during the month. At the end of the month, I set a CRAZY, LARGE goal for us to meet by the end of 2020. I did not tell Jody. Because I knew he would think I was crazy. I am not scared to dream big, insanely big. Sometimes that intimidates Jody. He very much has an engineer brain. When I present this insanely large vision, his brain kicks in and starts to try to line out what it will take to accomplish. My brain just says, “let’s go” and takes off running. We will figure it out in the process.

I failed more of my goals in 2020 than I accomplished. But that is because my goals were BIG. I like to push myself and pushing myself was an understatement with what I planned for 2020. With that being said, I hustled and paid off $83,220.43 in 16 months. I did not start with an accurate count in January, so I had to include the last few months of 2019, from when I did have a solid starting point. But probably 99% of that amount was done in 2020.

In 2021 I finished my goal of paying off all our debt except for the house, my car and Jody’s truck. We had a few things pop-up in the process as well. Our roof was damaged in a storm, so we had to pay to replace the roof. My little geriatric dog had to have a benign tumor removal surgery. And other random things along the way. I stayed focused. As I always say, I ran my race. I did not focus on what or how someone else was doing, I just ran my race. It is so easy to get caught up in who/how/when, etc. and you get derailed. It still blows my mind at times that by buckling down, I was able to pay off this bone crippling debt that Jody and I had. Most of the debt we were faced with, was credit card debt Jody brought to our marriage. But not all of it. And we definitely did our fair share of adding to it over the years. When I decided I wanted to break a generational curse that both Jody and I had experienced, it changed our lives.